Top 'Jokes' in China 2007

"If there is something that you don't understand, just remember that this is China and you will understand!"  

The following list of 'jokes' was compiled by a Tianya netizen named Laome2018 (via Sohoxiaobao).  These 'jokes' are not funny at all; in fact, they are solemn and dismal.  But these are extraordinary times in China.  If you can't laugh at them, then life is really grim ...

The 'jokes' are presented in reverse order of importance as determined by the author.

#18: Guangzhou is endearingly "chaotic"

Actor: Ren Jiantao, Dean of the School of Political and Public Affairs Administration, Zhongshan University

Story: On July 14, 2007, Professor Ren said in a speech about "City memories and City Identification": "The public security situation in Guangzhou is imperfect and that necessarily reflects urban development in Guangzhou.  This happens to mirror the social dynamism of Guangzhou ... the 'chaos' of Guangzhou shows just how lovely this city is."

#17.  The tea has an 'infection'

Actors: Reporter, doctors

Story: A Hangzhou reporter used tea as his urine sample and asked 10 hospitals to analyze it.  Six of the hospitals determined that he had an infection, and five of them prescribed medicine worth about 1,300 yuan in total.  The Sanjia Hospital later determined that 90% of the tests on tea should be false positive and this supposedly showed that the problem was not with the hospitals.  Ministry of Health spokesperson Mao Junan criticized the media for violating the professional code of conduct in journalism.

#16. Snowflakes in August

Actor: The Beijing Weather Observatory

Story: In August, Beijing Youth Daily reported that it snowed in Beijing.  The next day, Beijing Times dispelled the rumor by quoting the Beijing Weather Observatory that the weather conditions on that day were not suitable for snow and there was also no recording of snowfall.  Meanwhile Beijing News reported that an advertising company had created artificial snow during the filming of a television commercial.  But just when the Beijing snow in August was pronounced as false news, another snow event occurred in Beijing.  This time, it went on for five minutes and was documented by photographs and video films.  The Beijing Weather Observatory did not attempt to dispel the rumor this time.

Netizen comment: "The biggest problem in Chinese news reporting occurs when the event is real while the effort to dispel the rumor is false."

#15.  Did you drink water today?

Actors: The leaders

Story: On June 6, 2007, the Wuxi city mayor and party secretary held a meeting at the Lakeside Hotel to discuss the blue algae problem.  They said, "Actually we have been drinking boiled lake water for the past several days."  They then drank the water in front of the reporters.  Meanwhile, another leader showed how to boil the water and he used a transparent glass to prove that the process was real.  Afterwards, netizens found out that the hotel used a German SBOK water purification system for its water.

Netizen comment: So the water that the leaders drank is not the same as what the people drink.

#14. Did you suffer from hunger today?

Actor: Li Zhaoxing, former Foreign Minister and now Peking University professor

Story: On July 8, 2007, Beijing News reported that the newly appointed professor Li Zhaoxing told the students that when he debated human rights with foreigners, he questioned them as follows, "I have suffered from starvation before and so I know what human rights are.  Have you ever suffered from starvation before?"

Netizen Comment: It is precisely because there is no human rights that there is starvation (see Yan Jiawei's <Human Rights and Famine>).

#13.  The families of those who died in the disaster are emotionally stable

Actor: The leaders

Story: Whenever a major disaster occurs, there are pronouncements such as "the lessons are profound," "the rescue effort was effective," and "the families of those who died are emotionally stable."  At the Fengda Expressway bridge collapse, this went even further.  On the afternoon of August 16, the father of victim Liu Laping presented a silk banner with the words "Public servants warmly providing service" to the Feunghuang County Personnel Office director Long Taoying; as of August 17, the families of the victims had presented a total of four silk banners to the county party secretary and the county mayor in appreciation of their work.

Netizen comment:
"There never was even a basic count of the number of casualties
there was no basic information about the incident itself
we don't know who designed this bridge
we don't know who was construction this bridge
everything that the readers want to know about went missing
we only know about the great work done by fourteen government officials together with their full names and job titles
and we know that the families of the victims were grateful and emotionally stable
The Fenghuang bridge collapse must truly be a landmark event in the world history of bridges."

#12.  "This is to rear human talents for the nation."

Actor: Xu Jing, former female teacher at the Experimental Center of the School of Computer Science, Beijing Industrial University

Story: Teacher Xu took more than 900,000 yuan in graft while making equipment purchases for "Project 211" at the Experimental Center.  During her trial, she explained that 300,000 yuan of that money was reserved to send her daughter to study overseas.  "This is to rear human talents for the nation."

#11.  "If even I get arrested, then there are no uncorrupt officials left in China."

Actor: Zheng Xiaoyu, former State Drug Administration director

Story: Phoenix TV reported Zheng Xiaoyu as saying that when he was arrested.  Zheng had taken 6,490,000 yuan in bribes.  The Supreme People's Court sentenced him to death on July 10, 2007.

Netizen comment: This may very well be the most truthful statement.  It is definitely the most perfect combination of the most truthful and the most shameless!

#10.  "Do not wash that hand!"

Actor: Huang Jinlian, principal of the Special Education School in Sanming city, Fujian province

Story: "If you get the chance to shake the hand of the Central Government leader, please do not wash it.  When you get back and shake hands with the students, it would be as if they were shaking the hand of the Central Government leader."  On October 17, 2007, while attending the 17th Party Congress, principal Huang said that such was the request from his students.

 #9. It is very wrong for everybody to want to buy a home.

Actor: Long Yongtu, a member of the 'elite'

Story: On June 17, 2007, at the "Chinese dialogue" form in Nanjing, Long Yongtu talked about the real estate crisis in China: "The principal malaise is that the people have not changed their ideas.  Everyone of them still wants to buy a home.  This idea is very wrong.  Most Chinese people should solve the renting problem first."  Long Yongtu used the Americans as an example: "30% of them buy homes while 60% rent homes.  Not many Americans actually own homes."  Therefore, he thinks that most Chinese people should aim to solve their rental problems because their ultimate goal is to "find a home to live in" as opposed to paying attention only to an expensive home to be owned.

Netizen comment: "The principal malaise is that the people have not changed their ideas.  Every man wants to have a wife.  This idea is very wrong."  Long Yongtu used American men as an example: "30% of American men have wives, but 60% of them prefer one night stands.  Not many Americans actually have wives."  Therefore, he thinks that most Chinese men should aim to solve their one-night-stand problems because their ultimate goal is to "fuck" as opposed to paying attention only to getting a "good wife."

#8.  "Public servant" Li Runshan

Actor: Li Runshan, party secretary of Ruishan county, Shanxi province

Story: In late March, 2006, Ruishan county People's Congress Legal and Labor Committee director Yang Qinyu, retired cadre Nan Huirong and Mechanical Agricultural Bureau chief Shi Zhijing filed an anonymous letter to the county government leaders to denounce Ruishan county party secretary Li Runshan.  Ten days later, Yang Qinyu and Nan Huirong were criminally detained for suspected libel while Shi Zhijing fled before being arrested in Taiyuan.  Secretary Li then held a "Ruishan county cadre warning/education meeting" and he also magnanimously suggested to the court to treat the three persons leniently (one year in prison, three years postponement).  On April 25, 2007, Li Runshan was accorded the honor as a "public servant" by the Ruishan county People's Congress.

#7.  Greening by paint job

Actor: Fumin county, Kunming city, Yunnan province

Story: On February 13, 2007, the media reported that "Fumin county painted a barren hill with paint as a greening project."  There was an abandoned stone quarry in Fumin county for which the locals have petitioned the relevant department to re-plant.  The Forestry Department planted some pine trees but the results were undistinguished.  In July 2006, a private entrepreneur in Fumin county filed a report with the Forestry Department and then painted the rocks in green. (further reference: Who Painted the Mountain Green?)

Kunming Forestry Department cadre: "We only care about unauthorized tree-cutting within our monitored areas.  We have no comment about the 'greening' incident."

National Forestry Department spokesperson Cao Qingxiao: "The various forestry departments must draw the lesson from this incident to properly guide social forces to engage in the greening and beautification of our lands.  They must hold the right attitudes towards ecology and plant many types of trees to make our lands genuinely green."

#6.  Since this has been determined to be a suicide, there is no need to hold an inquest to determine if this was a suicide or not.

Actor: Xiangfan county procuratorate

Story: On May 14, 2007, the second trial of the libel case of Gao Tianfu (the father of Gao Yingying) was held.  His lawyer said that it is a mystery whether Gao Yingying committed suicide because the police's investigation was extremely sloppy and crude.  He asked: "On the day after, the medical examiner had taken a sample from Gao's vagina.  Why was there no testing of that sample?"  The prosecutor replied: "Since this has been determined to be a suicide already, there is not need to hold an inquest to determine if this was a suicide or not." (further reference: The Case of Gao Yingying)

Netizen comment: "After seeing what the case investigators did and said over the past year or so, I judged that these people are stupid cunts!  Why?  Case investigators are suppose to investigate first and then reach a determination.  But no, they say that there was no need  because they had determined that it was a suicide already.  As for me, since I have determined that these people are stupid cunts already, there is no need to investigate any further either!"

#5. May 30 tragedy with the midnight rooster call

Actor: Ministry of Finance

Story: On May 23, the Shanghai Stock News interviewed the relevant department with respect to the rumor that the sales tax on stock trading was going to be raise and published: <Ministry of Finance State Tax Department: No news on raising sales tax soon>.  One week later, the Ministry of Finance announced that the sales tax would be raised up to 3%.  The Shanghai Stock Exchange Index fell by a record 281 points, with more than 900 stocks falling and only 58 continuing to rise.  This was historically known as the "May 30" tragedy.  The news had been announced at 00:05 am and therefore this is also known as the "midnight rooster call."

Netizen comment:  How come when the state releases news, they behave the same way as the Japanese ghouls entering the village -- they just sneak in stealthily under cover of darkness ...

#4.  The Ouyang crater

Actor: Ouyang Ziyuan, lead scientist of the Chang'e 1 project

Story: Chang'e went into space, then it disappeared and then it reappeared to transmit a photograph back.  Netizen LiuJun noted that the Chang'e photograph had an additional crater compared to the NASA photograph of the same area.  Ouyang Ziyuan rebutted this point on the grounds that the NASA photograph was probably of lower resolution, or perhaps the moon was impacted by a meteor between 2005 and 2007.  This is now known as the "Ouyang crater."  

On the same day, another netizen "Pretty Eyes" made a detailed comparison and noted that the two craters in the Chang'e photograph is actually the same NASA crater.  This means that either the American photograph was incorrectly overlaid, or else the Chang'e photograph was incorrectly overlaid.  In any case, this was not a new crater.  Subsequently, netizens discovered that the misalignment occurred not just at one point but across an entire line.  Some of the places were perfectly repaired while there were double views elsewhere.

On December 6, Ouyang Ziyuan said that it is an insult to the nation and the 17,000 project team members to doubt the veracity of the photograph!  The veracity of the photograph "cannot be subject to doubt"!  The details of the overlay "was not worth any discussion"!

Netizen comment: Doubt is a scientific attitude.  Since when did it become an insult?

#3.7.  3377.

Actors: 33 + 77

Story: Once upon a time, there was a married couple.  Later the man fell in love with another woman and the couple divorced amicably.  The man (known as 77) married the new woman (known as 33).  But 33 was not happy with the division of property.  She sent SMS to insult the ex-wife and used her blog to heap abuse at her.  A friend of the ex-wife fought back in a public Internet battle.  Netizens invoked the "human flesh search engine" and exposed the real identities of 33 and 77.

77: I paid that woman for five years.  She ate and used my money.  I feel that I really cannot bear to live with a pig.
33: Hey, I was worried about not being able to have some fun.  I did not think that ugly, fat bitch would come out ... So I and 77 tussled with her, and that bitch was raging mad ... (followed by more comments not suitable for reading by youngsters).
Ex-wife: The man who lived with me once upon a time was pure, good and kindhearted ... the man at the blog looks the same in appearance but his soul is no longer the same one before ...

#3.  According to the normal analysis

Actor: The Gulou district court, Nanjing city
Related cast: Peng Yu, Mrs. Xu

Story: On September 5, the Gulou district court announced the verdict in the case of Peng Yu: "According to Peng Yu, he was the first person to get off the bus.  According to the normal analysis, it is more probable that he collided with the plaintiff.  If the defendant is really a good Samaritan, he should have grabbed the person who collided with Mrs. Xu instead of only helping her to get up.  If the defendant is really a good Samaritan, he would have followed social convention to tell the plaintiff's family about what happened and then leave himself.  Instead, he went with them to the hospital.  The defendant clearly acted not in accordance with the normal way."

Netizen comment: According to the normal analysis, all those who fell into the river must have been shoved in by their good Samaritan rescuers ... according to the normal analysis, anyone who assists impoverished students to continue to study must have committed wicked deeds in the past ... according to the normal analysis, all the netizens who support Peng Yu must be in cahoots with him ... according to the normal analysis, you should just read this post and not leave any comments ...

#2.  PetroChina and Sinopec applies for state subsidies

Actors: PetroChina and Sinopec, Asia's most profitable enterprises and among the top 500 global corporations

Story: China Stock News reported on December 13 that PetroChina (which earned 81.8 billion yuan in the first six months) and Sinopec are applying for state subsidies to the amount of 5 to 10 billion yuan.

Sinopec Vice-president Hu Wenrui (March 11, 2007): "If a monopoly is able to realize the interests of the state and represent the interests of the people, then this is not 'monopoly' in the ordinary sense.  How can a state enterprise that serves the country and creates wealth be treated as a negative model of monopoly?"

Netizen comment: There are many problems that I don't understand, but this is the first time that I fail to understand in this manner.
Netizen comment: If there is something that you don't understand, just remember that this is China and you will understand!

#1.  In a flourishing era, the tiger appears; the roar of the tiger will enhance the national reputation

Leading actor: The South China tiger (profession: model; hobby: carrying a tree leaf on the head)
Principal actor: Zhou Zhenglong (profession: hunter, especially effective in the presence of a tiger)
Principal actor: Gua Ke (profession: tiger; "I never anticipated how much netizens refuse to trust the information disseminated by the state.")
Friendly appearances: Zhu Julong, Fu Dezhi, Hao Jingsong, Luo Guanglin, many more officials, many more experts, many more reporters, many more netizens
Friendly sponsorship: Shaanxi Provincial Forestry Department, NetEase

Background: On an autumn day in 2007, in Shaanxi province, an old man took photographs of a tiger which miraculously carried a tree leaf on its head while keeping its eyes wide open.  The roar of the tiger was heard inside and outside of China and the photographs were seen on both sides of the Pacific Ocean. (further reference: The South China Tiger Photographs)

Zhou Zhenglong: "I think that this is 100% genuine without any fakery" (note: "I think"???)
Netizen comment: The traditional Chinese virtue of "having a guilty conscience" has now disappeared.
Netizen comment: Please do not say that someone is sick in the brain.  In order to be sick in the brain, they need to have a brain first.
Netizen comment: That tiger must have been ill because it sat still there without twitching a muscle for 25 minutes.
Netizen comment: This is just a public disturbance created by a large group of people who know what the truth of the matter is.